


나성에 가면

by kamsangi



Category: H.O.T. (Band), SECHSKIES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Casual Flirting, Fear of Discovery, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pride Parades, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 02:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14706995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamsangi/pseuds/kamsangi
Summary: There are sometimes things you wish you could have done with all the years you've let pass you by.Tony walks into a bar, and tells himself,maybe tonight will be the night.





	나성에 가면

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Pre-Pride Month! Yeah, I know, it's a little early, but I'd had a scrap of something saved in a folder for something like this, and I saw a tweet that made me start thinking, and now I've just made a mess of all my feelings, haven't I?
> 
> Partially written as part of my annual 'time to write birthday fic for myself' thing. It was supposed to be short. I'm not good at counting.
> 
> Set in an alternate universe where neither of them became part of their respective groups. Title is from the eponymous song "나성 (L.A)에 가면" by 세샘트리오. Disclaimer: it's fiction, and not meant to portray any particular person and/or group specifically in any way otherwise.

 

 

Less accidental, more incidental.

Bars are terrible, in the most wonderful way. They’re all filled to the brim with the same kind of flesh and bone that you’re made of, the same way they fill your cup up and let you loose amongst those walking reflections, all wearing those loose-lipped smiles and those Dietrich eyes. You’re enraptured. You’re disgusted. You’re not too sure why.

Definitely beats the hell out of sitting around at home all night, watching the sports play out on the static box. Or, well, the news.

But, then again. Why stay at home instead of seeing the real thing for yourself?

Tony settles for a beer, foregoing his usual gin and tonic for nights like these, and watches the world play out without any visual aid at all, loud and wild and glittery.

It’s Pride Week. He’s picked somewhere moderately quiet, but the party’s still happening around him. It’s never not a party during Pride Week in these parts. The beer between his palms warms rapidly as he kicks his heels against his seat absently and smiles at the group of colorfully dressed drag queens blowing kisses his way.

The stool beside him makes a loud scraping noise as it’s dragged out, and a man leans across the counter casually, calling for the bartender. “Liz,” he says, “beer me.”

Tony watches him catch the bottle that the bartender slides across the counter to him with ease. “Thought you weren’t gonna be here tonight,” she comments.

“Changed my mind,” he says, and he turns to nod at Tony. “Hi there. Not taking part in the festivities?”

“You gonna say you changed your mind about walking in here because you saw me sitting here?” Tony says, utterly unable to keep himself from saying something completely impolite to a total stranger. “Because, honestly, that wouldn’t be a first.”

“You know, I would, but then I’d be competing with those ladies over there, and I think they’ve had their eyes on you for a while now.” He takes a seat, and tilts the bottle back. Tony watches the way his throat works, the curl of his slim fingers around glass. He’s pretty. Not quite Marlene, but he glances up at Tony from under long, lovely eyelashes, and Tony thinks, maybe tonight’s the night. “Odd place to pick for a drink then, if you wanted to be left alone.”

“Not really.” Tony shrugs. Around him, music plays, and the sound of raucous laughter floats in from a corner. There’s the clink of several glasses. Somewhere outside, someone’s calling another person’s name, telling them to slow down. “Still wanted to be part of things.”

The other man considers him for a moment. “I’m Jaeduck,” he says, and it’s like a breath of fresh air, the soft click of familiar syllables from a home he hasn’t returned to in a long time, but thinks about far too much.

He takes a chance. “You’re Korean too?” he asks, reverting to the words of the people he still holds close to his heart, and Jaeduck’s surprise quickly fades into a bright smile. “I’m Tony.”

“Tony,” Jaeduck repeats, before continuing in the same heartbreakingly homesick-inducing language. “Hi. Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone else speak like that.”

His pronunciation’s perfect, if not a little rough around the edges. Dialect, maybe. It’s been a while for Tony. “Same,” Tony says, “have you always lived here?”

“Not really.” Jaeduck takes another sip of his drink. “Grew up back in Busan. Came here as a teenager. Been here ever since. Your story the same?”

“Not quite.”

Here they are, two strangers in a bar. It’s been barely three minutes within meeting each other, and they’ve already moved onto sharing about their youth. It’s the kind of thing Tony lives for. The story of the man on the street, the reason for people’s being. It’s a lot more fascinating than small talk, at least.

“We moved here as a kid, my family and I. I went back to Seoul for a little while—I’d wanted—well. I’d wanted something that I couldn’t have. Came back after.”

“What was it?” Jaeduck sounds curious, leaning in a little to hear him over the uptick in noise around them.

Promises, promises. The chase, the thrill. The dream, a hope.

The stage, the lights, the sound.

“I wanted to be a singer,” Tony tells him, sounding far too nostalgic, and not being able to do anything about it. “I was set to be a part of a group. Like, a singing group. Didn’t make the cut, in the end.”

Didn’t make the cut. Got cut. It’s close enough that the truth has warped over the years.

 _I wasn’t good enough,_ he says. Alternatively: _someone found out that I was into men and women both, and tried to beat the queer out of me for looking at them for too long, and the company didn’t want that kind of liability,_ is what he means.

Close enough.

There’s a long pause, and then Jaeduck starts to laugh.

Tony’s almost a little offended, but then Jaeduck says, amused, “We’re more similar than I thought.”

“No,” Tony says, and Jaeduck’s nodding. “What? Serious? You’re fuckin’ pulling my leg there.”

“Swear to god,” Jaeduck promises, holding up his right hand. “It was 1996. I’d been part of a dance crew with a friend of mine. We sent in audition tapes to a company, and they called us in. Told us they wanted to sign us for some group that they’d be putting out soon.”

“Did you—”

“No.” Jaeduck’s smile is regretful. “It ended up just being two of them. Friend and I didn’t make it. Then, I had the crazy thought, maybe I could move to the States and try to make it in the dance scene here instead. I’d kinda always entertained the idea, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Tony says softly, “yeah. I know.”

“But, hey, enough of that.” Jaeduck clinks their bottles together gently. “To dreaming better dreams somewhere else.”

“To being in a place like this, at a time like this,” Tony adds.

Jaeduck’s eyes are warm. “To being honest, eh?”

“I’ll drink to that.”

They drink.

Jaeduck sets his bottle on the counter, and Tony counts the breaths between then, and the next words to come out of his mouth. It’s about five and a half. “So. Tell me I haven’t been hitting on a straight guy for the past fifteen minutes.”

“If that’s your idea of hitting on someone, you’ve really got to work on it.”

“Hey, I like taking things slow, okay? You gotta know a guy before you make any moves on them.” Jaeduck suddenly looks a little abashed. “I mean, if that’s, uh, okay—I like making friends too, but, like, it’s a gay bar and all, and we’re —”

“I’m not straight,” Tony interrupts, and the relief that floods Jaeduck’s eyes is immediate. “And, uhm, I’ve gotta be honest with you. I’ve never actually—”

“Oh,” Jaeduck says. “Well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”

“You could say that.”

“So,” Jaeduck says, lips quirking up into a smile, and Tony’s prepared for the inevitable, but Jaeduck asks, taking him completely off-guard, “You ever marched in a Pride Parade before?”

“No,” Tony says, and it’s definitely not what he’d been expecting to be asked. Maybe a little, _hey, wanna come home with me, let me show you a nice time?_ Or maybe a, _hey, there’s a back-room here, let’s go make use of it._ Maybe he’s just jaded from years of almost-this, and almost-that, and the fickle string of girlfriends he’s had (with the exception of one, who's left a more lasting impression on him than anyone else in his life; he'll never forget her), and the way he never makes the first move with men, but always responds in the negative whenever any of them come onto him, only ever for situations like the one he’d been expecting.

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s just denial. Maybe he’s just a fucking coward who still can’t be honest with himself, with his own relationships with other people, even with years and years and miles and miles of time between a memory and the person he is today.

It _had_ been fear, a long time ago. There's nothing stopping him now except himself. Not even his family.

Now, Tony’s made enough peace with himself, perhaps. Enough, at least, that he’d turned off the little television in his flat, pulled on a coat with trembling hands, and told himself that maybe this year, maybe this month, maybe tonight—maybe it’ll be the night that he’ll be brave.

Less accidental, more incidental.

“Haven’t,” Tony murmurs, rubbing at a spot on the counter. He’s thought about it a lot over the years. His throat always seizes up at the thought of it. “But I’ve wanted to.”

“I’ve been doing it for a few years. It’s really fun. Honest.” Jaeduck bites his lip. A nervous tic, maybe. “I volunteer with this youth group, so I usually go with them. It’d be nice to have someone new tag along. Someone who hasn’t been yet. If you want.” He stops rambling for a moment, and clears his throat. “I’ve seen you around, actually. Here and there. And I’ve always wanted to talk to you, but I hadn’t had the chance.”

“So, you wouldn’t actually be kidding if you’d said earlier that you’d walked in because you saw me in here, then?”

“I guess not, then.”

Tony laughs, and it’s the first time all night he’s let himself do that. Jaeduck, in turn, looks a little taken aback. “What?” Tony asks, a little cautiously.

“Nothing, it’s just.” Jaeduck glances away momentarily, biting his lip again, this time a little shyly. “You’ve got a nice laugh.”

“Ah,” Tony says, feeling warm, “now we’ve reached the flirting part of the night, have we?”

“I suppose so,” Jaeduck replies, smiling softly.

A champagne bottle pops, in the background. The night is still young, still wonderful, still part of the much bigger, much brighter neon-unknown out there, the call of a million unheard voices ready to be heard for once, for all. The world is moving, and Tony doesn’t want to be stuck in these glued-down soles forever, with all these other glued-down souls, forever.

Jaeduck rifles through his wallet, and pulls out a card. “Here,” he says, “it’s my number. Call me in the morning if you’re still thinking about it. Maybe I could try convincing you again.”

Tony takes the card. “And what will you try convincing me with?”

“Well,” Jaeduck says assuredly, “I’ve heard that I’m a pretty good kisser. Oh, and I make a real mean omelette, if food’s more your thing than—well, me.”

Another laugh from Tony. “Food’s good,” he says, “but you can’t really kiss food and have it not be weird.”

Jaeduck snorts. “Point.” He slides off his seat, and puts his hands into his pockets. “I’ll see you around,” he says hopefully. “Gotta meet a friend before they start screaming at me for being late again.”

“Yes,” Tony says, less hopeful and more determined. “Definitely.”

Jaeduck grins widely. “Bye, Tony,” he says, and disappears into the night’s air, becoming another face in the cluster of passers-by outside.

The card’s slipped into Tony’s wallet for safe-keeping. He finishes his beer, pays, and heads home to his off-white walls, his keyboard, his plants on the windowsill, and his unwashed plates from dinner earlier.

He goes home, but he’s left his heart in that stranger’s pocket, and he thinks he’ll have to go get it back.

Tony calls him the morning after.

And, just a little while later, when they step onto those streets, it’s overwhelming.

The sounds, the views. The sheer amount of people who are out here, today.

Tony’s never been a part of anything like this before. He’s been watching this go by for years, never actually being in the middle of things. He walks alongside Jaeduck, who’d been fussing over one of his youth group kids just moments ago, before handing out little rainbow flags to everyone. “We made them ourselves!” Jaeduck says over the noise, sounding cheerful. He tucks one into Tony’s shirt pocket, and adds, “Lookin’ snazzy.”

“Thanks,” Tony says, and Jaeduck beams.

And, the more he walks that day, the more he becomes unstuck. It’s taken years, but Tony’s finally making it happen. Maybe he’s a little late to the party, but at least he’s here.

“Having fun?” Jaeduck calls, after Tony’s just received his twentieth hi-five from a random person in the past five minutes.

“Loads,” Tony replies earnestly. “It’s nice to be out here with all these people who understand what it’s like.”

“Yeah,” Jaeduck says. “It is, isn’t it? It’s not really as crazy as people make it out to be. Sometimes you just wanna show people that, hey, it’s normal to be us. We’re normal people.”

“We are,” Tony says, more for himself than anyone else, smiling widely.

Jaeduck’s eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles this time. “I think if you smile like that again, I might just have to do something about it.”

“Oh?” Tony says, “And what would that be?”

“I promised two things yesterday,” Jaeduck murmurs, the only voice Tony can hear in this moment, “and you turned down the other already.”

One step, two step, three steps closer.

Unshut your eyes, and be what you’ve chosen.

Tony smiles, wide and earnest, and Jaeduck kisses him.

Open-mouthed. Hot, like the sunshine soaking in through the curves of their lips. Jaeduck takes hold of Tony’s collar to pull him closer, staggering them both back a little off-balance, and he laughs when Tony makes a sound in the back of his throat. A startled puppy, being picked up for the first time. Unaware, eager-anxious. Jaeduck runs a hand through his hair, and says, “Are you alright?”

Jaeduck is the loveliest person Tony has ever met.

He’s dazed when Jaeduck lets go, as if he’d just taken an exceptionally hard hit. The smoke of something unexpected sifts through his fingers. “I’ve never kissed another man before,” says Tony, making no move to step away.

“You still haven’t,” Jaeduck tells him, the promises of a world unknown hidden away in the set of his eyes. “That was me kissing _you.”_

“Ah,” says Tony, idly twirling the small flag he’s still holding in his left hand, seemingly considering what little caution he has left. Most of it he’s left on a bed with the sheets undone, in a small, cramped flat with a broken-down heater. The rest, he’d surrendered the second he agreed to come along. “I see.”

“It’s okay, y’know. If this is all new,” says Jaeduck. A reminder. “It really is.”

“Yeah,” says Tony, easier than he would have figured himself to, “I know,” and he tucks the small rainbow-on-a-stick into Jaeduck’s pocket, almost a quaint motion of acceptance (of the situation, of himself). The corner of his mouth quirks up. “Mind if I fix that, then?”

Jaeduck smiles back, brighter than the light of any stage he could imagine being on. “Please.”

Tony leans forward, as if tipping off the edge of a ship’s deck in the eye of a storm, and he catches Jaeduck’s willing, wanting affection.

Around them, the world plays out, loud and wild and glittery. Unapologetic for all it is.

For all they are.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> no two people have the same story. some people can't choose whether or not they can be open about who they are. some people can-- but sometimes, it takes a while before they can work up the courage to. this one is for all the tonys out there who are still hoping and waiting and working through whatever it is they're working through.
> 
> hope you all have a wonderful pride month in june! please support your local lgbt organisations where you can. 
> 
> -
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/KAMSANGl)! send me prompts or whatever! talk to me about ships! alternatively: sechskies discord.


End file.
